Creative Writing

Five Minutes With…

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I think that a lot of people hear the word “horror” and assume blood, guts and grisly death. They think ‘Hellraiser’, ‘American Horror Story’ or ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre,’ and they forget that horror doesn’t have to be disgusting, or even remotely bloody. I think a lot of that misunderstanding is due to the influence of movies and television which tend to use the horror tag to focus on the revolting and violent as much as the frightening. There is also that lingering social prejudice that horror writers and readers are a bit weird or unpleasant. There are as many clichés attached to horror writers as there are in some of the stories themselves.

Last week I wrote an interview for the inimitable Jim at the Ginger Nuts Of Horror where I talked about myself and my writing process; name-dropped a few favourite authors, movies and graphic novel writers; and basically tried to persuade people to buy and read my new book.

My style of horror is the creep of paranoia, where everything is almost normal, but not completely. It could be real, but not quite. I don’t want to write something that repulses people, I want to create something that lingers. Good horror will leave you with a feeling of unease. An itch in the brain that you can’t quite scratch, but equally you can’t ignore. It should squirm around in your head for a while, and leave you still thinking about it for a few days afterwards.

You can read the full article on the GNOH site here.

I Don’t Know What To Do With Myself Now

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After I don’t know how many hours of planning, typing, doodling, editing, crying, hating every word and getting back up and trying all over again… my first collection of short stories has been published. It almost seems bittersweet. I feel… I don’t know really. Relieved, I think! At the moment it is only available in eBook format, but I am waiting on proof copies to arrive and I will organise the Print On Demand feature through Amazon.

I didn’t do this to make money. I did it because I needed to prove to myself that I could. That I could finish a project and actually put it out there for other people to enjoy. I’ve published books before – non-fiction ones for education – but this was different. This was a little part of me that I needed to get out of me and to share. A raw and honest part, which spoke as much about my personal journey and experiences as a writer, as well as being (hopefully!) enjoyable stories. I’ve learned a lot. I certainly wouldn’t do it again in quite the same way. It’s been a real ride. I hope you like it as much as I liked writing it.

Dark Winds Over Wellington

Well-Written – Writing for Wellness

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I run an online blog and support group called Well-Written; a writing group which encourages women to write for positive mental health. We share our ideas and creativity, and we listen to what we all have to say. It is aimed at being an empowering and nurturing space not just to write about mental health issues, but also to celebrate writing as having a positive impact on our sense of self. Here I explain why I feel this is important, and why I keep doing it.

Why am I doing this? Why am I putting so much of my energy into this? I could give up; maybe I should give up. It would be the easiest thing in the world to lie down and just stop. No-one is listening to me anyway.

I hear these thoughts in my head very regularly. In fact, they never really go away. Sometimes they are LOUD and they FILL MY WHOLE BODY. Sometime they are so quiet as to hardly exist. But they are always there.

I’ve always written for my mental health, from the very first time I began keeping a diary at the age of eleven. At that age I knew I was writing words that I wouldn’t be sharing with others. As I’ve grown older I realise that sharing those words not only helps me, but can help others as well. It can spark an understanding; a realisation that we are not alone in our feelings. If what I’ve written can help and inspire just one person – even if that person is myself – then I have achieved something powerful.

I started Well-Written because I needed a distraction after losing a friend to suicide. I make no secret of the fact that my initial intentions for Well-Written were first and foremost to make myself feel better. To reach out to other people. To stop myself thinking dark and frightening thoughts. I did the only thing I knew I could do which wasn’t self-destructive – I wrote about my feelings. I never intended to share them, that wasn’t the purpose at the time, but those words opened something up inside me. They made me realise that while I felt unable to talk about how I felt, I could write about it, and I could share those feelings. Anonymously if necessary.

Sharing your words is scary, especially if those words are about things which are deeply personal to you. You may doubt your voice, or feel nervous about speaking out. You may not want others to know that you are capable of such thoughts. This applies to all of your writing, not merely that which focuses on your emotions or mental health. The knowledge that once you send those words out into the world, there can be no taking them back.

I often remind myself that while I cannot control how my writing is received, I can control what I offer to the world. I can control everything I put on the page. I can speak my truth; honestly and with integrity, and I can be mindful of how I use my language. I can be honest without being hurtful. I can speak about what processes work for me without judging others.

I used to feel a deep unease at the idea of my family and close friends reading what I wrote. Now I understand that my writing often answers questions which those close to me had felt unable to ask. I was worried that I might damage my relationship with them in some way, not seeing that my keeping such thoughts from them only widened the boundaries between us.

Eventually, I realised that I don’t have to write to appease anybody. I write only for myself. I will be judged, both positively and unfairly, on absolutely everything I write. Once I understood that, I was able to let go of my inhibitions. I could write freely and openly about everything I wanted and needed to write about. I have sparked conversations, I have shared myself with others, and I have let go of the doubts that made me question: should I share this?

It’s not easy. I don’t think bravery or courage are quite the right words to describe it – although they are an important part of it. Instead, I believe it is more akin to peeling back another layer of yourself and finding a piece of your authentic self. Finding your voice and knowing it deserves to be heard. Having something to say, and not waiting for permission to say it. Writing your story as it needs to be written.

It’s easy to give up; it’s perhaps one of the hardest things in the world to keep fighting, especially when you are tired or demotivated. I want to tell you that we all often feel like that; but you do not have to fight alone. Well-Written is a village, a community, your own personal cheerleading squad. It is a safe space where you can be supported and nurtured. Where you can speak openly without judgement about the things that matter to you.

Why am I doing this? Because it’s important to me and, I believe, to others. Because too many people are too scared, or too uncertain, or simply haven’t found the right words yet to speak. I completely understand; I used to feel the same. I want to let you know that your voice might be quiet right now, but I am listening and I still hear you.

I hear you.

Zine Culture

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I made my very first zine this weekend. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and no plan. I decided that instead of trying to make it nice and pretty, I would use it as a creative brain-dump. So I cut random images from magazines (I didn’t even cut them neatly!); added a few of my own poems and thoughts; and made a visual exploration of what was going around in my head at the time.

I found the process very enlightening and empowering. I began making it with little consideration about any particular message or goal, but the end result was definitely positive, and seems to have a strong, underlying message of growth, moving forwards and expressing myself. I like the fact that it is rough and messy; it says much more about the emotions and creative urgency I was feeling – the need to get my ideas out of my head and into a tangible format. I could definitely revisit it and make it neater and prettier, although I do think that would change the dynamic of the overall piece.

You can read my finished zine here 2019-03-04-08-38.pdf

WHAT IS A ZINE?

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines a zine as: a non-commercial, often homemade or online publication, usually devoted to specialised and often unconventional subject matter.

In short, a zine is something that you make yourself about whatever you want it to be about – even if the content is super weird, or unique to you as a person. Most definitions of zines include the fact that they are small-circulation, self-published, and often inexpensive or free.

The most important aspect of a zine is generally that the publication identifies as one. Many zine-makers will say zines are as much about the community as the product, and that identifying as a zine is what separates these publications from comics, literary journals, websites, and other types of independent publications.

The term “zine” came from the 1920’s and ’30’s when sci-fi fans created zines about themselves and their interests. The culture exploded in the 1970’s when the punk scene emerged and people would create music zines, often with a political undertone or message.

People often make zines about topics or communities that mean a lot to them such as feminism and human rights, however you can make a zine about something you’re a fan of – often referred to as a fan-zine – or a zine thats just about you and your life called a personal Z or /Z for short.

Most zines are made by cutting and pasting pages together, photocopying them and then binding them together into a booklet, typically with staples or thread. However, there are a lot of zines made with unconventional materials, and there are also digital zines.

Artists often create zines to distribute their work, whether they are writers or photographers or illustrators. The options are endless: poetry zines, a photo zine, a comic, a collage zine, a zine of essays, a fanzine dedicated to your favourite band or artist, or a political-manifesto-type zine. Alternatively, you can focus on a topic and go from there.

Basically, there are zero rules here. Zines are primarily about creating and sharing your thoughts and your passion with others. Your zine can look however you want it to. You don’t have to be an artist to create a zine; all you really need is some paper, a pen and an idea.

Zines give you a reason to ask yourself: what do I have to say? Then to give yourself permission to say it.

Slowing Down and Changing Gears.

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I’m tired. I don’t want to admit it, but I am.

I promised myself last year to pay more attention to my ‘give-a-fuck’-budget, and by that I meant that I needed to consider whether something was really worth my time, my energy or my money. I also said that if an event I was invited to involved fake smiling, I wasn’t going to go.

The most likely reason I am tired is because I have broken these two promises to myself.

I throw a lot of myself into everything I do. I get excited and passionate and, foolishly, I expect other people to share that energy. I forget that most people don’t have the same amount of drive or they are simply too busy and can’t, (or won’t,) make the time.

I tell myself that’s okay, but it doesn’t stop me feeling disappointed. I’ve found social media particularly bad for this, I can’t tell if it’s due to algorithms messing up my reach, or people simply being apathetic, but I’ve felt, on more than one occasion, like I’m shouting from a high mountain into a void. My voice is nothing more than a squeak. Social media exhausts me and I know it’s toxic for me. Yet it is also one of the easiest ways of connecting with people, of bringing like-minded souls together. So I persevere.

I also know my mood fluctuates frequently, thanks to depression, chronic illnesses and PMDD. I tend to throw myself into what I do to counter these afflictions. Sometimes at the expense of self-care. Lack of feedback or validation can make these feelings worse. Thus the downward spiral continues. As much as I don’t want to, I have to accept that I cannot do everything on my own and by myself.

All that said, I am setting myself limits on the things I do now, and prioritising the ventures I get involved in. The Well-Written blog has not worked how I hoped it would, I suspect it may be time to retire it, or to reconsider its purpose. The Facebook group has plenty of members, but very few contributors. Again, I need to reconsider in which direction it needs to go.

In comparison, the Wild Women, Wild Voices workshop has received a phenomenal amount of interest, which tells me that is a much stronger area to focus on. I am still absolutely committed to writing for well-being and promoting initiatives to support positive mental health.

I have almost finished my first book – a collection of short speculative fiction stories. I aim to publish the ebook on various platforms in late March. I will be writing about the process and sharing that later in the year, possibly also offering a workshop – a guide to self-publishing.

My frequent readers know that my mantra is to never ask for, nor wait for permission to share your art. Writing a book has been a journey of self-discovery and expression, and I have found many wonderful people in the writing community who have both helped and inspired me. I have listened and learned and finally completed something I am proud of. I would not have been able to do that if I had not stopped seeking permission to take up space.

I will also be volunteering to help with and promote ConZealand, the world science fiction convention, due to be held in Wellington in 2020.

Introspection and re-evaluation are all very necessary parts of a creative journey, and the returns must at least validate, if not celebrate, the process. You will not win every time, but you must learn from your losses; adapt and improve. Self-care is essential, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Likewise, you cannot lead and inspire others if you are not inspired yourself.

This isn’t meant to be a ‘poor me’ post. This is simply me, being honest with myself, accepting my limits, and focusing on what is important and fulfilling right now. If I don’t slow down, I will break. I’m not stopping, I’m just easing off the gas a little. I’m taking some time to enjoy the ride.

The best writing tip I ever received: Don’t stop

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Writing is hard.

Oh, certainly, the act of writing is easy enough; you start with a word, and you add another, and then another, and another after that. Eventually, you form sentences and paragraphs. If you keep going, you might end up with pages and chapters, and beyond that, entire stories. Just like Dr Frankenstein, with enough perseverance, you too can create a monster.

What nobody told me is: that’s actually the easy part.

The really difficult bit is; taking that first, unruly draft, and honing it into something beautiful which blossoms fully to life. That you write a story that deserves to be told. A tale which would be impossible, nay, irresponsible, for you to withhold from the world. You need to gather your pile of messy parts, sew them together, and fashion a magnificent body.

A great number of people start out strong, but give up easily. They run out of time, or inspiration. They start questioning their abilities too much, or, in some instances, not enough. Many fall into the dreadful grip of Imposter Syndrome and decide to put their words away for a while.
“I’ll go back to it later,” they tell themselves. “I don’t have to finish it now.”
They know in their hearts that is a lie. I lied to myself so many times.

Others listen too hard to the voices; those of their own and others, which tell them to give up and to give in. They lose their confidence, and their creative voice.

I’ve been told, and read, many writing tips, and all of them have their benefits and their place. You need to find, flex and build your creative muscles. Start small and keep going until you can benchpress those coveted 2,000 words a day. Write every day, and read just as often. Get up fifteen minutes earlier and start a new writing routine. These are all good tips, and will take you great places; but the best one, the one that encouraged me to finally write and finish my first book was: don’t stop.

Every serious writer knows that writing every day is the best, (and quickest,) way to hone their skills. Just like playing football, or going for a run, if you practice every day, you’ll reap the rewards. If you don’t, well, you won’t lose the skill completely, but you’ll likely end up more fair-to-middling. Little League. A weekend amateur. Certainly not Stadium or Olympic standard.

I don’t mean write without breaks or continuously; no-one can write a novel in one day. Consistency and frequency are key. Don’t put it off or put it away for later. Don’t tell yourself you’ll go back to it – do it now. Write every day, if only for half an hour. Remind yourself that it is far better to write only fifty words than none at all. If you wait for the Muse, you’ll never write a word. If you confine yourself to only writing at weekends or every other day, you will do yourself no favours in the end.

Get started; keep adding more words; build up momentum, and, whatever else you do; don’t stop.

It Is Done … Almost

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My manuscript is complete, and has been sent out to beta readers.

I am under no illusions that my work is done and finished; I’m positive that there will be many more changes to be made, plot lines to improve, and characters to kill. Sending my ‘baby’ out into the world is terrifying. I wonder if people will like it; if they will think I’m a complete weirdo for writing it. (If they don’t already think that when they meet me!) Mostly, I am eager for the commentary and criticism.

I know I’m a reasonably good writer. It’s not a bad or wrong thing to say that either. It doesn’t make me cocky or arrogant; I am allowed to acknowledge my achievements, just as I encourage absolutely everyone I know to celebrate theirs. It seems like such an act of rebellion; being fully secure in yourself. I know I would never have written this book if I hadn’t stopped thinking that I needed to apologise for being creative. Allowing myself to be crippled by imposter syndrome. Always asking for permission.

I’ve already published three non-fiction books. Logic dictates that I must, at least, have some talent. However, I know I am not the best I can be. The best I hopefully will be if I learn and improve. I can do that by listening to what my readers tell me; listening to and reading other writers; and by learning as much as I can about the craft of story-telling. By accepting that sometimes I will fail, and I will get back up, and I will try again.

When I began writing this book, I was a different person.

The process has taught me so much. Writing is my therapy. Even when it is not always bringing me joy, it gives me goals and targets, and I thrive on it. My depression and anxiety demons are held at bay. I can contain them on the page.

I’ll always say, first and foremost, that I didn’t write this collection for anyone else. I wrote it for me. I needed to write it. I am not about to embark on a great career as an author, but this is a stepping stone to other things. It proves to others, and to myself, that I am capable of putting the hours in; of seeing a project from concept to completion. I can shovel the sand to make sandcastles. I can write my 2,000 words a day. Whatever anyone else thinks of my work, I did it. I’m proud of it.

As a reminder, to my readers and to myself: if you don’t even try, it’s an automatic tick in your ‘loss’ column. Just write your damn story.

Ripley: Celebrating The Strong Woman

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I remember the first time I watched the movie “Aliens”. I was 15 and I watched it in secret from my parents with two friends in their “den”. We watched “Terminator 2: Judgement Day” on the same day. I guess we must have been on a James Cameron kick. I remember being absolutely and totally blown away, and not just because of the action sequences.

Ripley and Vasquez became my first girl crushes. I would move on to Buffy, Xena and Aeryan Sun in later years, with a dash of Leeloo, Tank Girl and Sarah Connor thrown in for good measure. But it was Ripley who sparked that love for kick-ass females, and who I will always look to as a timeless and indisputable feminist icon. I remember watching her and thinking how bloody brilliant it was that she gave no apologies to anyone for any part of her. She would not back down, she would not give up and even though she was terrified and didn’t even want to be a part of that mission – she was battling some serious PTSD – she went anyway.

On a superficial level, I was immediately struck by her physical appearance. Sigourney Weaver is a striking woman, but not typically “pretty”. Her beauty comes from her energy and her attitude, and the way she carries herself. She is make-up free, wearing typically masculine attire and sporting that, let’s be honest, terrible haircut, and yet rough, tough, macho marine Hicks falls for her pretty much instantly. As an impressionable teen who also wasn’t stereotypically pretty, that affected me in a million positive ways. It’s not about how you look, it’s about who you are. Ripley really emphasises that. Stuck in space with a bunch of hard-ass marines, she doesn’t try to lean into any particular angle other than her own. She doesn’t butch herself up to fit in, but she equally doesn’t try to emphasise her femininity so that those big, strong boys will do everything for her. She exudes complete and utter confidence in herself and her abilities.

The theme of “Mother” passes through the whole of the film; from Ripley losing her only daughter and finding Newt as a “replacement”, to the actions of the Alien Queen attempting to colonise the planet with her offspring, culminating in the ultimate face-off between two strong and determined females, fighting for themselves and their “children”. Ripley is a mother to everyone, not just Newt and the marines. She sees and anticipates what needs to be done. She is the epitome of a strong matriarch leading and protecting her community. She respects those who deserve her respect, but has no time for those who give her, or others, any shit. She accepts everyone based on their merits and their behaviours, but she also understands that people can change when given the right guidance and support.

Ripley could be any of us. She is not trained in combat, she does not have any real special skills or abilities, and she accepts leadership begrudgingly. She survives due to her determination, her willingness to meet the problem head on, and to take control of her own narrative. She will not allow anyone to control her – not an Alien, not a greedy, manipulative male, nor a corporate company. She walks her own damn path yet she doesn’t need to walk all over others to do so. She’s learned that if she wants to survive, she needs to help herself, but that doesn’t make her selfish or immune to others’ needs, in fact it makes her more empathetic. It equally doesn’t mean she’s not scared. Of course she is scared, but she’s also brave. As Carrie Fisher once said, “stay afraid, but do it anyway.” That’s Ripley. That can be you too.

An Interview with Wood and Jones – Connecting with Other Authors

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Last week, I had an online chat/interview with fellow horror and speculative fiction writer, Penny Jones.

We talked about why we write creepy stories; the issues women face when writing the horror genre; and the things modern horror can tell us about society and people today.

With massive thanks to Jim Mcleod at Ginger Nuts of Horror for publishing our thoughts.

http://gingernutsofhorror.com/interviews/women-in-horror-alias-wood-and-jones

Addendum

I’ve known Penny personally for a couple of years, and I adore her as much as her writing. She welcomed me into a writing group in the U.K., and made me feel immediately at ease. She has shared her knowledge and experiences openly and without agenda. At the group, I felt like an outsider and a fraud. I didn’t feel like a “proper” writer. Penny made me realise that even the most established authors can feel like that sometimes. She’s a brutal editor, and won’t shy away from being honest, but that’s important. She also seems to do it in such a nice way, that you really don’t mind if she tells you to kill your darlings. I’m always going to be grateful to her for her support.

Also her short stories are wonderfully well crafted. Do check her out.

As a writer, I realise now just how important it is to find like-minded people who know how it feels when you immerse yourself in your craft. People who really “get” you, and who will support you, criticise you (hopefully, objectively!), and encourage you. It’s not just about networking or trying to get your stuff out there, its about building a team and learning from one another.

A good writer is an avid reader, and I thoroughly enjoy reading the work of people I know. It gives me such great depth and insight into their character, and what makes them tick. For me, writing and reading are all about exploration. I’m still a rookie. I have a lot to learn. I hope, even when I’ve been doing this for twenty years or more – which I fully intend to be – I’ll still be learning as much as I can from my friends and fellow authors, and helping other newcomers myself.

Writing Hats – Morning Musings

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I’m wearing so many writing hats at the moment, sometimes I forget which one I’m supposed to have perched on my head at any given time. I know some people expect me to always wear one particular hat, and some see all of my hats as awesome. Others don’t care about, or pay too much attention to my headgear. A small few get angry or irritated if I change hats unexpectedly. I don’t pay any attention to those people.

I am proud of all my writing hats. I hang them up where I can see them and enjoy them. I wear them all often, or at least whenever I get the chance. I refuse to separate them or apologise for any of them. They are my hats, and my hats are me. Some of them I’ve had with me since childhood. They need work and love to be fully rounded, but I don’t want them to lose their childlike dreams. Most of them are very new and unwieldy, and I’m still not sure if they fit me properly yet. This is my most comfortable hat; my blogging, being honest, authentic hat. Closely followed, at the moment, by my Horror Hat. But I know that I am likely to grow out of some of them, or they will simply cease to suit me, and that’s okay.

My first blogs were always journeys which never went anywhere. They set out strong, but looped back upon themselves. Story snakes which, in their confusion, devoured their own tails. Like sitting in a rocking chair, I put in so much effort, but I always stayed put. The first step is always the hardest, the first word the most difficult to find. In retrospect I know I learned a lot, and no time is ever wasted when you are the master of your own adventure. I also know that my goals are better mapped out now. I have written three non-fiction books. Been published numerous times. I no longer wear the hats I sported to complete those works, but I still keep them as mementos. The writer that I was. The person who grew.

Every time I put a writing hat upon my head I always take a moment to remind myself; the hat I wear today might not be the hat I wear tomorrow. What is comforting and complementary for me now, might change in a year’s time. Maybe even in a month. I am a writer. I write. And I wear many writer’s hats. You may have found me via one path, but I assure you, I will lead us both down many others before I’m done.